giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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