I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
