life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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