I'm really into asian looking animals
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
