Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I looked at my own cervix.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
