Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Your dad touched me again.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
