My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
