All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
