If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So many bounce houses so little time
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
