Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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