I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
