dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
