My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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