your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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