i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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