happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
