I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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