My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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