I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
