I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
