Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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