Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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