Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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