yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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