so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
