my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
