Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
