Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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