Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
