His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She bit a glass in half.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Help me help you realize you are a moron
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
