cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
