The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
