Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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