Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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