So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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