You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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