You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
