i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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