why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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