I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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