So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
