Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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