Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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