Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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