We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
