remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
