If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
