The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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