I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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