My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
